Archive for the ‘Words of Wisdom’ Category

Alex’s Words of Wisdom II

12) Moving several times will be no obstacle for Columbia House finding you and making sure you fulfill your membership obligations from its bountiful catalog of horrifically-priced DVDs.

13) Having an extensive collection of almost anything that aren’t books, DVDs or music means you will need to have the ability to explain things in a convincing matter, otherwise that new girl you’re dating will think you’re a weirdo.

14) You probably are a weirdo, anyway.

15) That’s OK, because if she doesn’t dig that, then it’s probably not going to work out, anyway.

16) You can stretch one piece of questionable advice into three sections if you really apply yourself.

17) Sequels are rarely as good as the original (smell that irony. Go on, smell it!).

18) Get rid of half the things you own. And then do it again.

19) Give me any of those discarded possessions that has any value. Papa has bills to pay.

20) It is almost always a bad idea to refer to yourself as “papa,” even if you have children.

21) Tell her how you really feel. Unless her boyfriend is standing next to her. In that case, throw him off the scent by transferring what you were going to tell her to him. Example: “Bill, your eyes pierce through me each time they look my way. When you talk, I cling to every word you say.”

If he isn’t beating the hell out of your face by this point, tell him you’ll pick him up at 8 on Friday.

22) Subscribing to the notion that the ideal romantic partner should be like the male leads in those movies based on Nicholas Sparks movies will ensure you never have a successful relationship with an actual man.

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Words of Wisdom Alex Told You

Let’s try something new here, shall we? I’m 25, took seven years to get a bachelor’s degree in English, make $14,000 annually and just moved back home. I’d say that qualifies me to share some words of wisdom with all four of the people who sporadically remember they have this site bookmarked.

1) Don’t have cable TV until you’re too busy to watch it. You’d be amazed how easy it is to misplace seven hours when a Snapped marathon is on.

2) “No sugar added” is Big Food shorthand for “This product already contains enough sugar per serving to bring a diabetic to his or her knees.”

3) It’s OK to throw out underwear even though it hasn’t started to disintegrate yet. Don’t be that guy named Alex who looks down one morning and thinks, “I’ve had these longer than I’ve had most of my current friends.”

4) Own a suit. You don’t need a laundry list of places you’ll have to wear it to justify buying one. Nor do you need to blow a sweet wad of cash on it. Just get one that fits (like, actually compliments your body) and wear it for the right occasions. Speaking of right occasions to wear a suit…

5) Modern man has made it so you theoretically don’t need to wear a suit unless you’re getting married or at a funeral (and even then, that’s only required if you’re the guy in the casket). Don’t be that Young Republican on campus who wears suits to class, but hell, don’t be afraid to wear one if you’re heading to an event where a suit may have been deemed appropriate before the baby boomers ruined everything by making Dockers the standard for “dressed up.” An example of this would be some sort of party where the standard alcoholic beverage is classier than PBR.

6) Don’t let people treat you like shit. Even those creepy Sour Patch Kids.

7) A coffee table is only a good idea in theory. In practice, it’s just a prominent place in your home to display pizza-stained back issues of Entertainment Weekly and plates covered with remnants of the takeout you had Tuesday night.

8. A bag of frozen vegetables is a cheaper, more effective version of Metamucil, if you catch my drift (and I think you do…wait, please don’t click back now!).

8a) Using the numeral “eight” with a parenthesis will generate the sunglasses emoticon and make your post look stupid.

9) Learn how to cook a few things. It’s not as difficult as Martha Stewart makes it seem and it’s not as terrifying as that Gordon Ramsay jerk would have you believe. Plus, some girls might be impressed that your offer for dinner doesn’t mean a romantic drive in your ’95 Corsica to Applebee’s.

10) Change your car’s oil within the recommended timeframe. And dear god, go do it if that change oil light comes on. Because if you don’t, your car will soon be a very loud, heavy paperweight. And then, you’ll be just like me. No one wants that.

11) You probably don’t know nearly as much about college football as you think you do. And if you DO, then you’re probably a lot more irritating than you realize. Lose-lose, Mon frere.